Someone once said “Suicide is the final fuck you.” When I heard this I thought that sorta makes sense. I remember feeling suicidal as a kid and for me it would have absolutely been a ‘fuck you’. I desperately wanted my mom’s attention and love. I had gone through with it, it would have been out of anger towards her and motivated by “I’ll show her!!” But previously as an adult in the hell fire of PTSD, my feelings and thoughts of suicide had absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. It was 100% about me. It was 100% about turning off the noise and chaos in my head. It was about paralyzing fear of asking for help. I would have never been anything about wanting to say “fuck you” to anyone. In fact, I felt more like I just wanted to quietly slip away hoping that no one would even know I was gone. So if you are a believer that suicide is selfish, you just might want to take a second look. Yes, it is something that you do for yourself. Most of us first responders, when we get to that point of wanting to disappear, have never really done anything for ourselves throughout our lives.
We’ve always been about taking care of everyone else. How unbelievably sad that the only thing we think we can do for ourselves, is remove ourselves from this Earth. Our reward is shutting off the noise and our gift to everyone else is removing the burden that we believe we have become. And what if we were to ask for help? The burden we cause would increase ten fold. We don’t even know how to exist in that space of self care, let alone allowing someone to take care of us. I am here to tell you that although this sometimes feels like the only solution, that you are doing the world a favor, as you feel like the only way that you belong here or are valued is if you are giving to others. You are wrong. What feels like the only solution is a permanent fix to a temporary problem. When that box blew open and I could not stuff everything back in, there was no going back. I could not go back to my comfortable world of feeling invisible and having the strength to carry the armor and ignore my needs. How can I exist in this world like this? You can! You will! You will be so much happier! You may not see it right now, but with the hard work of being compassionate to yourself and letting yourself be visible and counted, you will learn and eventually feel comfortable to be here. The noise will quiet, the pain will stop. Your family and friends and world around you will embrace this new and vulnerable you. You will see the magic and hope and beauty in the world like you’ve never seen before. You will feel loved. You will know you are enough, just the way you are. At the time, desperation and hopelessness lived in every single piece of me. But now, the best decision I ever made was to not drive into that tree. To not jump off that bridge and to not pull the trigger. There is a way out. You just have to ask for help.
Comments